Hello fellow worker bees — I’m trying to get better at posting more regularly but the last few weeks have been an absolute master class in burnout. How meta. I had a semi-meltdown at work, on a call with my manager no less, and now I’m strongly reconsidering my career. I mean, I have been reconsidering, but now it feels dire. Admittedly, I can be a bit dramatic, but I do feel I’m at a crossroads.

Lately my self-esteem and confidence have been put through the wringer. Nothing I do feels right or worthwhile. I’ve spent nearly twelve years working in the tech industry and now I don’t even know what skills will transfer, it all feels uselessly bespoke. Every day is a struggle, and I think I’m actually regressing — communication is at a stand still, I question whether people understand me when I speak, and I ruminate for hours on end afterwards about what I could’ve done differently in this or that meeting. I have meeting fatigue, and I’m starting to lose my filter. It’s endless corporate politics, performative fanfare, and I can’t keep up.

My PCP put me on an anti-depressant; its off-label effects are also known to treat / help with ADHD. I’ve had my suspicions for awhile now that I’m some flavor of neurospicy — the way the medication immediately started working has me convinced I am. I’d been struggling at work and even at home to do tasks I didn’t want to do (but knew I had to); it got to the point where even procrastination and the anxiety of not doing a good job stopped getting the job done. I’d wake up tired, fatigued, and on weekends I laid in bed hours past noon scrolling mindlessly on my phone.

I’ve only been on this medication for a week, but it’s significantly improved my focus and performance. I wake up early, get out of bed and do what I need to do. It doesn’t make me want to go to work any more than before, but I’m not spending energy having to talk myself up to do it. They say it normally takes 4-6 weeks to take effect, so I don’t know if what I’m feeling now is just a placebo effect, but I’m curious to see how things progress if this is just week 1. All I know is, I’ve been able to finish tasks when I start them (especially at work), and I forget less.

As you may know, I’m still ambling along on my journey to rediscovering my spark (see my first post: Spark). Right now, I’m a little aimless, directionless, but it feels like the tracks are being laid. I have a self-imposed deadline, a resume, and a jar full of dreams (metaphorically). I’ll keep documenting the ups and downs while I’m at it. I’m trying to make more time for family and friends, my interests and hobbies, and maybe I’ll find a job I enjoy again. Though, to be quite honest, a job with minimal human interaction and critical thinking (does such a job exist!?!?) sounds more and more enticing lately.

I hope I can look back at this someday and just laugh — I’ve had some really unhinged moments that might make for a good story, but right now it still feels raw. All I know is I’m maybe uncovering some additional reasons for why I’m struggling to navigate the corporate politics (some of which I swear are the most extreme I’ve encountered in my career), and dreaming of greener pastures.

In any case, I hope you continue to stick around. I’ll ramble and overshare, as is my nature, but maybe there’ll be some golden nuggets here and there for you to relate to. Signing off with another sunset, until next time 🤙