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I started this post a couple weekends ago and picked this back up today. Same sentiment, increasing disillusionment with reality and a general aimlessness towards life. I spent the weekend binging k-dramas and doom-scrolling social media. I haven’t left my job yet. It’s as if everything going on in the world has diminished the urgency and severity of my burnout. And still, it’s surreal, grinding away behind a computer screen, while we stand at the precipice of history.

I’m still taking my anti-depressants, which I’m pretty sure are the cause of some recent hair loss–Telogen effluvium, says the internet–and my moderate mood. It’s a mild annoyance (the hair loss), I think, temporary.

Will I grow complacent again now that my feelings are dulled? Will fear of the unknown and what’s outside my control outweigh my curiosity? Do I just keep trudging on, repeating the same routine on different days, eager to crash on my couch after a day of emails and spreadsheets with meaningless dates? I’m fairly certain there’s more to life (Stacy Orico, I’m looking at you).

I acknowledge, my parents struggled far more–left the comforts of home and immigrated to a different country altogether, raising two kids, while working to make ends meet on minimum wage, graveyard shifts and standing on their feet all day. I don’t think I have the grounds to complain. This is the soft life, right? Still, I don’t know if I can do another decade of alignment (dead-end) meetings & corporate jargon.

There’s a part of me that believes I can land on my feet–that I’ll take some time to figure out what I’ll do next and find success on sheer will alone. I believe this because I’ve done this before. Yet, there’s a part of me that thinks this may be as good as it gets and I’d be walking away from security and financial independence, which is a value in itself, no? I know this because I’m experiencing the harsh rejection of the job market right now. My line has been cast for three months and no bites. What if this is as good as it gets? So I’m weighing one piece of evidence against another.

Thinking too hard makes me tired. I keep waiting to wake up and know the answer, to be able to make a decision one way or the other. I don’t think that’s how it works, and I’ve never been the most decisive person either. It probably means making peace with whichever and standing confidently by it.

A life lesson / motto I’ve been trying to follow lately is “it’s all in how you frame it.” I admit, I’m generally a pretty pessimistic person–this applies in both outcomes of the decision. I guess the point I’m trying to make is whatever decision I make, it’s a matter of framing. There’s a breakthrough around the corner, probably; another weekend, another Monday.